Pain.

 Pain. 

I've had pain for a long time. 

Physical pain I've had for about 15 years. It's from back injuries. L5/S1 disc ruptures. Narrowing of the nerve tubes, i forget the technical term now, neuropathy, degenerative disc disease, pain and numbness down my right side sciatic nerve and the bottom of my right foot. Makes it challenging to walk, run, jump etc.

15 years. 

Every day. It's always there. Always. it never goes away. It drives you nuts some days and others you hardly notice it. 

I spent a lot of time running away from that pain. Trying to cover it up and avoid it.

The last several years I've spent confronting that pain. Finding ways to deal with it. Finding ways to strengthen weak areas. It helps. It's hard though. It requires something everyday. Some amount of effort has to go into it everyday. Otherwise it's too much. 

I never thought that the course of treating that pain would lead to treating other pain. I didn't really think I had other pain. I thought that I was as well as I could be. 

I was wrong. 

The past 6 months have been a rollercoaster of me confronting that other pain. That emotional pain. The root pain. 

I didn't realize that's what i was doing at first. I didn't realize that I had chosen to take up that fight. I was just going along and suddenly I was over my head in a fight for my life. 

I had made a decision to confront. To confront how I felt about someone else and that triggered a confrontation with myself. Myself that I didn't like. Myself that I didn't love. 

It was excruciating.

It hurt far more than the physical pain ever did. 

It made me want to die.

That's how much it hurt. 

The physical pain had never done that to me.

So I had to fight it. Fight it or die. 

I got help. I just barely got help in time. I really don't know how I hung on long enough waiting for that help. 

This confrontation was with trauma. Childhood and adolescent. 

Apparently it's traumatic for a parent to tell a child that their feelings are not ok. Apparently it's traumatic to punish a child for expressing their feelings. I didn't know that. 

I knew I hurt inside. I knew I felt disgusting and gross and unattractive and unlovable, ashamed, no confidence, etc.

I didn't know why. 

I know why now. 

It's because I was never taught to love myself. 

I was never taught that how I feel is ok. 

I was taught that feelings are something to be hidden away. Don't show that to other people! 

Which is of course ridiculous. 

And so those emotions would build and build and build inside until they would eventually explode outward. In displays of anger, in destructive behavior, in pushing myself physically, in pronouncements of love. 

It took a long time and help to heal from that pain. To heal that damage. 

I am supposed to express feelings. It's normal. I should feel love for myself. I should appreciate who I am. How unique I am. And I am unique. 

I'm not completely healed. I don't know if anyone ever is. A bunch of blockage, wreckage and scars got lifted from my path. I can see my path again. I can see that I belong on it. I can see that I'm supposed to be walking it. It's like I knew i was on the path before but I couldn't see it or feel it. 

It feels good.

It's not easy. Loving who you are is not easy in this world. Everything around you is trying to steal that from you. To steal it away so the other can feel better about themselves for a moment. Or so they can bring you down to their level. To how much pain they're in. Don't let us. Starve them out. Don't let us/them steal that love from you. Fight for it! Don't allow someone to make you feel ashamed of who you are, of the things you say or do. Don't let them. Their morals are not yours. Their path is not yours. You are only responsible to yourself. You don't need them. 

You don't need someone like me, like I was.